One of the performance hits that the GrabPERF system has is the dynamic generation of the main page. The nature of the SQL calls and the underlying PHP makes it scale exponentially past a certain number of measurements.
Last night, Kevin Burton made a grand suggestion: generate a static page on a regular schedule.
Today, I wrote the script that does this. The performance of the main page has adjusted accordingly.
UPDATE: Ian Holsman reminded that if I use cURL, I can use the exiting PHP to build the pages without a PERL script.
I. AM. AN. IDIOT.