Performance Zen

Author: spierzchala

  • 20 Years Ago Today…

    On November 14, 1986, Charles Mountbatten-Windsor turned 38.

    And I turned 18.

    I have always been haunted that our two lives are intertwined, twenty years apart.

    Happy Birthday Chuck.

  • All in the Family

    Time to put the manic energy I have this morning to use.

    One of the most interesting things about Bipolar is that genetics plays a substantial role in determining whether you will have it. In my case, my family is a disaster when it comes to mental health.

    On my father’s side, there is a long and glorious history of schizophrenia and bipolar, including at least 2 grand-uncles, and their children. Two of my father’s cousins have committed suicide.

    My grandfather committed suicide in 1978.

    Everyone says that this was out of the blue, there was no reason for it. He left no note, or showed any indication. But as I learn more about this condition, this state of mind, I realize that the suicidal depressions can often swamp you, flood you, to a point where a person who appears fine will take the final action in the next minute.

    On my mother’s side, my grandfather medicated with rye. As well, he had amazingly manic states; at least, that’s what we would call them now. He passed the genes along to two of his children, one of whom is my mother.

    Over the last 10 years, my mother has degraded to a point where she lives alone, rarely goes out, is socially inappropriate, and has tried suicide at least once.

    When I speak with her, it is hard to stare into the face of what I might become, what I must be aware of, what the costs of this condition can be.

    So, I was doomed from the start. My father, a man who was challenged by his own demons, married a woman who is a wildly cycling bipolar II.

    My family is lucky. As far as I can tell, I absorbed all of the bipolar genetics, leaving my brothers to conquer the world in their own ways, without the chaos that tears my mind apart. I am sure that they look at me and wonder why I am so nuts. I am sure that I am not alone in being the odd family member in a sea of normals.

    So when you are in the depths of your misery, or at the heights of your mania, try to step back. Ask your parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, uncles. Try and find the thread, the trail that leads through your family. Somewhere along that trail, likely in many places, the “characters” or “eccentrics” or “troubled souls” will leap out at you. These are the people who suffered, and revelled, in their condition, and passed it to you.

    And realize that you can’t lay blame. You can’t transfer your woe and misery and mania to someone who is likely long gone. You just need to understand that you are the current carrier of a torch that originated long before you were born.

  • Other signs of mania: The hoarder

    I have talked in other posts about being an accumulator, driven by the mania to buy things that I have no need for, nor will I ever use. A slight variation of this theme is the need to hoard.

    How can accumulation be different from hoarding? It’s simple, it’s not simply the accumulation of things; it’s the hoarding of them in caches, stores, and never share them with anyone.

    As well as accumulation, I hoard. I am loathe to throw anything away. I must have it there, in case I need it, sometime, anytime.

    Files. Papers. Photographs. Gadgets. Their mine. All mine. Don’t touch them! Get out of my space!

    It is another inexplicable part of the Bipolar. The manic need to keep it all close. To protect it from others. To keep them from taking your irrationally collected things.

    Isn’t the mind a fun place?

  • UK: Ancestry and the Commonwealth

    I just found out today that I one of the ever decreasing number of Canadians who has a free five-year work visa waiting for them in the United Kingdom, courtesy of their grandparents.

    It’s called the UK Ancestry Visa, and it opens up a whole new set of options to me. It streamlines the hideous visa process I have encountered in this country (USA), to a form and the birth certificates of my grandparents, my parents, and myself. Oh, and their marriage certificates.

    And yes, it appears that I may score 3 out of 4 in the grandparental category, as my Scottish grandparents were all born over there.

    And no, Pierzchala is not some strange Highland clan, lost to the dark fog of the ages. I am 25% Polish. I have always wanted to have a custom flag made, with the Imperial Polish Eagle superimposed over the cross of St. Andrew.

    So, let’s see: hideous work permit process that takes years and has no guarantee of success; or immediate entry and work with a simple form and some family documents.

    Now, admittedly, I have it easy due to my UK ancestry. However, the entry of highly skilled workers into the UK takes days, not years.

    And the US wonders why emigrants are loathe to come here anymore.

  • T-Mobile USA: Your upgrades suck

    Dear T-Mobile USA:

    I have been a dedicated customer of yours since 2004. I have become an advocate for GSM services, and think that my brethern who continue to use CDMA services are not looking to the future, and don’t see the world coming at them.

    That said, as a customer who likes gadgets and all the bells and whistles, your upgrades are pathetic.

    And no, that level of emphasis is not used lightly.

    I have just returned from the UK. Over there, the phone choices offered by providers stagger the imagination. Bells and whistles are yesterday — people base their lives around their phones, and the quality and range of phones available are, to say the least, impressive.

    They also know that to retain customers, they have to provide astounding FREE upgrades. The latest, greatest are available as free upgrades just for becoming a slave to their contract.

    I went and checked the upgrades you offer right now, T-Mobile. They suck. There is no motivation for me to stay with your service, no motivation for me not to move to another GSM provider and kiss my customer fidelity goodbye.

    A simple thing: upgrade your upgrades. Please.

    Thank you.

  • London: Back home and some travel tips

    Now that I am back on US soil, I have some tips for surviving your trip to London.

    1. GSM Phones. If you are one of the millions in the United States who subscribe to a CDMA service (Verizon, Sprint, etc.), invest a few bucks on eBay and buy a low-end, unlocked, tri-band GSM phone. I have used GSM for years, and the unlocked phones give you an amazing advantage — you buy a pay-as-you-go SIM card once you arrive.

      In the UK, incoming phone calls are free. If you have a half-decent office phone system, you should be able to remotely forward your desk phone to your UK number and voila! You have a local number that folks in the US can always reach you at.
    2. OYSTER CARD! If you plan to travel anywhere on the London Public Transit system, buy an Oyster card. Same concept as the pay-as-you-go SIM card. And you’re never fussing with change or daily passes for the tube, DLR or busses.
    3. Saline Nasal Spray. This seems like a bit in the “too much information” category, but trust me on this one. London’s atmosphere makes New York seem like an untouched Alpine pasture. After one day there, your sinuses will feel and look like the inside of a pool filter after a dust storm. A simple nasal spray takes of this, and often provides a somewhat scary indication of what man does to the urban environment he lives in.

      If you don’t want to pack one with you, you can buy some truly awesome stuff at any Boots — Sterimar. What makes this stuff unique is that it is aerosol powered. Unlike the wussy atomizers we use over here, this stuff is freakin’ jet-propelled — if it can’t blast the crap out, it’s likely brains.
    4. Look to the right. Yeah, we all know that the Brits drive on the other side of the road, but many an American has been nearly killed in the first twelve hours on the ground by using their instincts and not their brains. I am in this group.

      Thankfully, the Brits provide nice warning labels at most crosswalks; look down, and they will tell you which direction to look in to avoid becoming a hood ornament for a Bentley.
    5. Change Wallet. Dear lord; you will need one of these or you will blow out every pocket you have. The Brits still use a lot of cash, and like the rest of the world, the lower denominations of their currency are coins, not bills. A solid change wallet is key.
    6. Take the red-eye. You will search online and find a multitude of strategies for dealing with jet-lag. I have a simple one — make sure your flight takes you overnight so that you land at Heathrow/Gatwick/Stansted/Dublin/Luton first thing in the morning. For folks on the East Coast or Central Canada, this means flights between 19:00 and 22:00 Eastern. For West Coast folks, it’s a 11-12 hour flight and an eight-hour time change, and Heathrow opens at 07:00, so 11:00-14:00 Pacific is a good range.

    These are the top six I can think of right now. Comment on your strategies if you have them.

  • Lest We Forget



    Lest We Forget
    Originally uploaded by spierzchala.

    Stop, and remember.
    The US has no symbol for this day.
    In London this week, poppies were everywhere, even on cabs and lorries. In Canada, it is likely similar.
    Read “In Flanders Fields” — then you will understand.
    Lest we forget.

  • London: And now the disease sets in

    So today, the cold leaped from behind the bushes and threw me down to the ground.

    I managed to limp through my meeting Portsmouth, and then get back to the hotel for a two-hour nap. Now I am seriously medicated, I am limping through some work, then I need to go find some food.

    I am surprised it took this long to get me. Usually I am sick within the first 2-3 days. Maybe living with my disease breeders helps me develop a limited tolerance.

    Tomorrow, I fly home.

  • London: The Summary

    I am in London for the rest of today and most of tomorrow, but London has been a good experience. Lots of Tube time, lots of good discussions with my UK colleagues, and lots of good food.

    However, all things must catch up with you, and today I feel like my body is here and my mind is following about 5 minutes behind. Foggy, groggy and dis-oriented. I think I need to go to bed at 7PM tonight.

    Or I’m getting a cold.

  • London (V & A): The sketchbooks of Leonardo da Vinci

    Courtesy of The Guardian

    I went to the Natural History Museum, and the Victoria and Albert Museum today, which isn’t too shabby considering that I am jet-lagged and trying to get my body on the local schedule after taking the red-eye in.

    The Da Vinci exhibit had pages from his notebooks and sketchbooks. Seeing the mind of a genius, the range of interests…the scope of what he accomplished, is astounding.

    Go see it. Worth the trip to London.

    Courtesy of The Guardian